


Morbidity, Murder, and My Immortal

by MorticiaYouSpokeFrench



Category: Addams Family - All Media Types, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, my immortal (fanfic)
Genre: Goffickness, Humor, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:15:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 21
Words: 11,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23327602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorticiaYouSpokeFrench/pseuds/MorticiaYouSpokeFrench
Summary: Wednesday Addams has known true horrors in her life. She has seen things that would make your skin crawl, and your hair stand on end. She has unflinchingly faced creatures that would send grown men running for the hills and then slain them and eaten them for breakfast. But Wednesday Addams has never before encountered Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.That's about to change.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, Implied Wednesday Addams/Dementor, Wednesday Addams/Voldemort (Harry Potter)
Comments: 98
Kudos: 43





	1. Introducing Ebony

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning!** I wouldn't recommend reading this if you haven't read the notorious fanfic 'My Immortal', since you'll only end up very confused. I wouldn't recommend reading My Immortal either, for that matter.
> 
> If you've already made the mistake of reading it, here's an additional warning for you: This fanfic contains the original cast of My Immortal characters with the addition of Wednesday Addams. As such, it will feature mentions of cutting, underage sex, self-harm, suicide, murder, torture, necrophilia, a plot that makes no sense, a Voldemort who speaks in Shakespearean English for no discernible reason, and any other number of devastating horrors. Reader discretion is advised (As for excretion, I leave that up to your personal judgement).

They met on a grey and wet day, at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall. Wednesday had been staring up at the ceiling, trying to discern whether it was snowing or raining, when a girl sat down next to her. This was a slightly unusual occurrence, as Wednesday's housemates had for some reason begun to give her a wide berth ever since the incident with the _engorgio'_ ed cockroach, so Wednesday examined the intruder with interest.

Her facial features were symmetrical, her face was pale, and she had well-developed mammary glands that were shown to their best advantage by an outfit that _certainly_ did not comply with the school dress code.

"Who are you?" the girl snapped at her, when she saw Wednesday staring. "Are you, like, a prep?"

Wednesday did not know what a prep was. "I'm a new student," she explained, "I got kicked out of my last school recently, so I've only been here a week. My name is Wednesday Addams and it is nice to meet you." Her mother had raised her to be unflinchingly polite, and she would remain so even in the face of such blatant rudeness as the girl had displayed.

This answer seemed to satisfy the girl. "My name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way," she replied. "And since you're in Slytherin, and you're not wearing pink, I guess you're fine."

Wednesday smiled slightly at the introduction. "Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way. That's a decent name. I have an aunt named Dementia. I was starting to think that everyone in the United Kingdom had awful names. There's a girl over there-" she indicated the Hufflepuff table- "whose name is actually _Joy_." She shuddered.

"Eww," replied Ebony, "that's such a preppy name. So, are you, like, a goff?"

Wednesday mused on the nature of labels and group identities for a moment before answering the question. "Goths are mortals, people who are obsessed with darkness, with creatures of the night. I _am_ darkness, I _am_ a creature of the night."

"That's so fucking kawaii." Ebony replied, and though Wednesday didn't know what kawaii meant, she offered a shark-like grin in return.

It was the beginning of an interesting friendship.


	2. Draco Asks Ebony Out

"Oh my fucking god!" Ebony screeched the next day, spotting Wednesday and running up to her, "Draco Malfoy just asked me to go to the concert in Hogsmeade with him!"

Draco Malfoy was not dangerous or threatening in any way, and therefore was utterly uninteresting as a potential romantic partner. Accordingly, Wednesday focused on the more important part of that sentence. "There's going to be a concert in Hogsmeade? Who's playing?"

"Good Charlotte!" Ebony replied enthusiastically, but then seemed to deflate when Wednesday failed to shriek or jump up and down in excitement, "Don't you know GC? Do you prefer listening to Hillary Duff or something, you fucking prep?"

"Not Hillary Duff, no," Wednesday replied, frowning thoughtfully. "I believe I have a fairly typical taste in music. I enjoy the tortured shrieks that rise from our dungeons at home in the dead of night. I like to listen to the agonized wails of a soul that has just realized that its existence is meaningless, to desperate cries for help that go unanswered, and to the sound of nails on chalkboard. Also, I'm partial to Beethoven's 5th symphony."

This answer seemed to mollify Ebony slightly, and in a gesture of friendship Wednesday added: "I wouldn't be adverse to checking out Good Charlotte and seeing if I like their music. I could go to the concert too. That way, if you do decide you wish to mate with Draco, I can provide you with an alibi once you're done with him."

"Kawaii," said Ebony happily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters are rather short to start, but I'm trying to follow the outline of the original. As Tara's chapters get longer, these should too.


	3. Hogsmeade Concert 1 (Hogsmeade Concert and Draco's Stones)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally the chapter was just going to be called Hogsmeade Concert, but then I realized that there are about 57932 of those throughout the story and I would need to be more specific. So I'm gonna have a go at Harry Potter-themed naming.

The evening of the concert, Wednesday walked into the dorm room to find Ebony reading 'The Sorrows of Young Werther' with one of her wrists bleeding.

"Did you slit your wrist?" Wednesday asked, examining the wound. It certainly didn't look accidental.

"Yeah, I was feeling depressed." Ebony replied nonchalantly.

Wednesday tutted, and took Ebony's wrist gently in her hand, running her wand over it to heal the wound.

"You'll get blood all over the book if you just leave it to bleed like that. It'd be a shame to make it unreadable. You'd be far better off cutting your feet. That way, you're not in danger of ruining the book, and it has the added advantage of being painful whenever you walk."

"Uhh, whatever," Ebony replied, throwing the book away. "It's time to go to the concert anyways."

Wednesday examined Ebony's outfit critically. The shoes she was wearing had heels so high that she would doubtlessly be in pain whenever she walked without any cutting required. Clever girl.

The concert itself was quite enjoyable, and Wednesday had a good time, but she got separated from Ebony and Draco rather quickly. Not that she minded; they seemed too absorbed in each other to notice her absence.

Once the concert was over, Wednesday was left to walk back to the school, as Draco and Ebony had disappeared with the car sometime during the evening. It was rather a dull walk, and when Wednesday reached the gate she realized that it was locked, and she could not apparate in. The most sensible solution was, of course, to apparate to the forbidden forest and walk through there to the castle, as there were no physical barriers between the forest and the school, probably because the forest itself was considered barrier enough.

Doubtless, there may have been quicker ways to get back into the school, but Wednesday had been wanting to explore the forest since she had first arrived, and it seemed like a prime opportunity. Besides, she was enjoying the solitude, and the fact that she was unlikely to run into any other students in the forest appealed to her.

So to the forest Wednesday went.


	4. Getting Action in the Forbidden Forest

The walk through the forest was quite enjoyable. Wednesday met the most charming colony of Acromantulas right near where she had apparated in, and had made some new friends. Then, she had engaged in a spirited game of 'try-to-kill-each-other-with-a-bow-and-arrow' with a few centaurs she ran into. She was pretty confident she had won, but the forest was really too dark to be sure.

Finally, she approached the area where the trees began to thin, and knew she was nearing the castle, when she heard some very loud noises. The kind that could only be the result of passionate lovemaking. Ever the voyeur, Wednesday crept forward quietly, so as not to disturb the couple.

Once she came upon them, she was not entirely surprised to see that the couple making the noise were Draco and Ebony. Correction: she was not surprised that they were having sex, but she was quite surprised at how much Ebony seemed to be enjoying it, given that as far as Wednesday could tell, Draco's technique consisted solely of shallow thrusting.

Draco was completely naked, and Ebony was naked from the top up. As the lovemaking was occurring up against a tree, the rough bark must have been very unpleasant on Ebony's bare back. Wednesday approved.

Suddenly, a rustle to her right caught her attention. A figure was approaching from the direction of the castle, obviously attracted by the noise of the coupling. When he was close enough, Wednesday immediately recognized him as the headmaster. Dumbledeor, was it?

Now, Wednesday had never been one for merrymaking and tomfoolery, but Pugsley had been known to play pranks in school, usually involving explosions, and he seemed to enjoy them well enough. And having the headmaster of one's school creeping up ahead, with no witnesses to implicate oneself, was really too prime an opportunity to pass up.

The only problem that remained was that Wednesday did not know how pranks were usually done. After some consideration, she shot a spell at the headmaster's back, meant to give him a headache. She breathed a sigh of relief when he didn't seem to notice, and continued walking in Ebony and Draco's direction.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS?" His shout caused the couple to jump apart.

Really, now! Wednesday knew that headaches could cause people to act in uncharacteristic fashion, but for Satan's sake, the Headmaster was a smart man. Wasn't it obvious what they were doing? They were having sex.


	5. Aftermath of Getting Caught

"Come with me," the headmaster- was it Dumblydore?- said stiffly, and began marching towards the castle. Ebony and Draco followed, and after a moment's hesitation, Wednesday ran after them.

"Excuse me, Professor Dumbledeor!" she cried. "Are Ebony and Draco going to get detention? If so, I would like to submit myself into consideration as a candidate for detention as well. Surely wandering the Forbidden Forest after curfew would be sufficient cause, even without engaging in sexual intercourse?"

Ebony and Draco gasped dramatically at her appearance, and the headmaster didn't look too happy. He had himself a bit of a shout, but the final outcome was favorable; she was bid to join Ebony and Draco on their way up to the castle.

Unfortunately, the evening did not conclude with Wednesday being given a barrel full of frogs to disembowel or eel eyes to sort through. All that happened was that they were called mediocre dunces and ludicrous fools by Professors McGonagall and Snape, and then sent on their way. Wednesday suspected that the teachers had been derailed from their detention plans by Draco shouting out a confession of love for Ebony apropos of nothing, and felt a bit of resentment gather in her chest.

By way of revenge, she cursed him when his back was turned. Wednesday smirked as he spun around and began following Ebony to the bathroom, singing at her all the while. Draco making a fool of himself in front of the girl he loved was very funny, and Wednesday went to bed, satisfied that the day had ended with some misery and humiliation.


	6. Meeting Vampire Potter

When Wednesday came into the Great Hall the morning after, she sat next to Ebony and looked at the food on the table. As she did every morning since arriving at Hogwarts, she grimaced at the selection offered by the school. Then and there Wednesday resolved to go frog-catching later that day to prepare herself something edible. Grandmama had been sending her care packages with eye-of-newt cookies, but a girl needed protein as well.

Something in Ebony's bowl smelt good, and Wednesday leaned forward to see what she was eating.

"Oh fiery hells, that is disgusting!" she exclaimed, reeling back from the bowl and trying not to gag. "Ebony, why would you ruin perfectly good blood with something as revolting as Count Chocula?"

Ebony, however, was not listening to her. She was too busy flirting with a pale goth boy.

He looked and was dressed exactly like Draco Malfoy, only his hair was dark instead of blonde. It seemed that Ebony certainly had a type.

Wednesday shrugged. She was nobody to judge. She personally liked dangerous and disfigured men with a penchant for violence, but to each their own. Ebony apparently liked boys who dressed like the male version of herself. Wednesday had seen worse.


	7. Ebony Gets Angry at Draco

Wednesday was strolling down the halls of Hogwarts, looking for the old torture implements that according to rumor were once used on students, when she came across Draco Malfoy, stark naked, running down the hallway.

"Wednesday!" he cried. "Have you seen Ebony?"

She hadn't, but didn't bother telling him that in the face of a more pressing question.

"Why are you naked?" she asked, staring at a tattoo on his arm that caught her eye. It depicted a heart symbol with an arrow piercing it and the word 'Vampire' was written underneath. Wednesday rolled her eyes. If _she_ ever got a tattoo of a heart being pierced by an arrow, it would be anatomically accurate.

Draco was talking, though, and she turned her attention back to him. "We had a fight," he explained. "Ebony ran out, and I rushed out after her. I didn't have time to put on any clothes."

"Is Ebony also running around naked?"

"No, she put on her clothes before leaving."

Wednesday narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously. "If she had time to put on her clothes, how come you didn't?"

"There's no time for that now, Wednesday!" Draco exclaimed, grabbing her arms. "You need to tell me where Ebony went!"

Wednesday pointed in a random direction. Draco sped off to where she had pointed without another word.

Wednesday smirked, and wandered off to look for Ebony. When Draco did find her, the resulting exchange was sure to be entertaining.


	8. Naked Confrontation in the Potions Classroom

Finding Ebony wasn't very difficult. She was shouting so loudly that half the castle could probably hear her; Wednesday only needed to follow the sound.

She found Ebony standing in the middle of the Potions classroom, completely unmindful of the fact she was interrupting a lesson, and shouting abuse at the dark haired goth boy from breakfast.

It appeared that Draco had heard the shouting too, because he showed up in the classroom almost immediately after Wednesday did, and proceeded to exhibit the most pathetic display of abject humility and genuflection that Wednesday had ever had the displeasure of seeing. He even got down on his knees to beg.

From the ensuing exchange it soon became apparent what the issue was. Draco had apparently been unfaithful to Ebony with the dark haired goth boy, whose name, Wednesday found out, was Vampire.

Wednesday could not help but chime in. "Really, Ebony? You discovered that Draco was cheating and the first thing you did was leave to shout at someone else? Personally, I would have chained the unfaithful bastard up in my dungeon and made sure he regretted it. What does picking on Vampire accomplish?"

Ebony shot her a look of such venom, that Wednesday realized it was not the right time to be lecturing. "Come," she said, taking her friend by the hand and pulling her out of the classroom. "Let's go for a nice walk in the forbidden forest. It's my favorite place to be. If that doesn't improve your spirits, nothing will."

Ebony complied, and as they walked, she seemed to calm down somewhat. Wednesday was just congratulating herself on the idea of a walk to the Forbidden Forest when they came across the area where Wednesday had spotted the ex-couple having sex. Ebony promptly burst into tears.

"This is where I lost my virility to Draco!" she wailed, pointing at the tree.

That was enough for Wednesday. It wasn't entirely unexpected that Ebony should feel sorry for herself, but it was getting ridiculous. "You didn't lose any of your virility," she told Ebony firmly. "Judging by what I saw in this clearing you were plenty virile. And just look at your perky breasts- they are the very image of sexual virility."

"What are you talking about, you perv?" asked Ebony.


	9. Voldemort Makes an Appearance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: Sooo I may have written all of Voldemort's lines in iambic pentameter. Why would I do such a thing, you ask? Because I thought that if he was going to speak in Shakespearean English, he might as well do it properly. Also, I felt that this fic needed more random weirdness to be worthy of the title 'My Immortal Parody'.

Wednesday did not get a chance to answer Ebony's question before they were interrupted by a figure flying towards them on a broomstick. When he got close enough, Wednesday saw that he had a mutilated face that was lacking a nose, sallow corpse-like skin and red eyes. He was almost as attractive as her uncle Fester, the acknowledged heart-breaker of the family, and had a certain murderous vibe that Uncle Fester lacked. Wednesday straightened her back and stuck out her chest. Perhaps it was her turn to get some up against the infamous tree.

Unfortunately, the man payed her no attention at all, and flew right at Ebony, who seemed to recognize him. "No!" she cried. 

"Imperius!" shouted the man, pointing his wand at her. Wednesday had never heard that spell before, and watched to see what it would do, but nothing seemed to happen. 

Ebony retaliated with a spell called 'Crookshanks', which didn't seem to do anything either. Wednesday sighed, and decided to show them what an actual spell looked like. "Crucio!" she said, enunciating clearly for Ebony's sake, as she pointed her wand at the man. 

The man fell off his broom and began twitching and screaming. Wednesday looked to Ebony, but Ebony wasn't looking at her, and had not even thanked her for the demonstration. She was such an ungrateful bitch; it made Wednesday homesick. She dropped the spell.

"Ebony," the man cried, after getting up off the ground and dusting off his robes, "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"

"Oh, I'll do it!" Wednesday cried, raising her hand in the way she had seen Hermione Granger do when she wanted to be called on. "Pick me!"

He turned, and seemed to notice her for the first time. Looking her up and down, he gave her a smile. It was a gruesome thing.

"Fine thoughts, fair maid whose eyes of violence speak,

Alas, no plan may yield that which you seek.

Long have I sought to rid him of his life,

Though all my efforts ended up in strife.

The whims of fate conspired my plans to foil,

Thus into naught reducing all my toil."

Wednesday raised an unimpressed eyebrow. "So just because you failed to kill him a few times, you think no one can?"

"Nay, the boy shall die, as all mortals must,

His soul will flee, his bones will turn to dust.

But time has taught that I must be resigned,

The hand that strikes him never shall be mine.

Fate hath decreed that task must be another's,

By those who against this tree were lovers.

The female of the pair will strike the blow,

Therefore her I beseech, to her I go."

"I don't understand," Wednesday frowned. "Why must it be her? No offense, Ebony, but as far as I can tell she's just your standard devil-worshipping life-hating teen."

"I'm also a goff," Ebony pointed out, but that man had another, more elaborate explanation. 

"A strange power surrounds thy friend from hell,

All those who near her come under the spell.

In her beauty and goffickness combine, 

Bewitch the soul, and to all eyes divine.

I ought not tarry, soon I must depart,

Or else to her I might enslave my heart."

Wednesday examined Ebony critically. She had symmetrical features and her body was well proportioned, but Wednesday herself had never fallen in love with her despite her close proximity to Ebony. Then again, Draco was so in love with her after one sexual encounter that he chased her through the school while naked, so perhaps the man had a point. Maybe Ebony only had this effect on men? She resolved to pay more attention in the future; such a skill could be very useful.

"Well, too bad for you, prep," Ebony replied angrily to this eloquent declaration of admiration. "I'm not killing Vampire!"

"Thou must!" the man replied, giving her a gun which she took despite her protestation. "If thou does not then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"

"How did you know?" Ebony asked, surprise coloring her tone. 

The man gave her a look which said he did not think highly of her intelligence. 

"I hath telekinesis, thus I can

Summon any object into my hand.

I used this power thy journal to steal,

And thy secrets to me it did reveal.

Hear me now, if thou does not kill Potter,

Thou dooms thy precious Draco to slaughter."

Then he got back on his broom and flew away. 

"OMG!" Ebony cried dramatically once the man left. "What am I going to do?"

"Well, whose gruesome death would you rather witness? Draco's or Potter's?" Wednesday asked logically. 

Ebony launched into a speech about both of them having sexy eyes, and went on to say something about the timing of their having sex, but Wednesday had already lost interest and stopped listening. For a girl who claimed to like the dark and sinister, Ebony showed a disappointing lack of interest in murder. 

"If you can't bring yourself to do it," Wednesday told Ebony, "I still stand by my offer from earlier. I'm not sure I was convinced by his claim that it's your destiny to kill Potter."

Ebony did not at all seem thankful for Wednesday's friendly offer of help. Rather, she glared at Wednesday. "I can't believe you told Voldemort you would kill Vampire! That is not fucking kawaii!"

"That was Voldemort?" Wednesday asked, aghast at her own obliviousness. "I wish I had known! I would have asked him for his autograph. I think I have a blood quill on me, I could have had him carve it into my skin."

Ebony did not take the time to commiserate with her, as just then Draco showed up. He was wearing quite a bit of white makeup, and looked somewhat like a clown. Wednesday didn't think he pulled it off as well as an old friend of hers named Pennywise, but she was too tactful to say so. Besides, Ebony appeared to like it, because she seemed to completely forget that she had been angry with Draco. All it took was an exchange of a few words and they were reconciled. At least, Wednesday assumed they were reconciled, since they went back to the school making out.

Walking while making out didn't seem like a very efficient way to be doing things to Wednesday, and she soon overtook them. If the old tree saw any action again, she was not there to witness it.


	10. Draco's Suicide

Ebony had rehearsals with her band that evening, which Wednesday knew from experience would be an ear-splitting cacophony of disjointed cords and pained screeching. She found it to be very soothing, and often went to nap in the room during practice, since it put her to sleep. Unfortunately, both Draco and Vampire didn't come, claiming to be depressed, so the group decided to write songs instead. As this activity didn't hold nearly the same amount of interest to Wednesday, she retired to the dorm.

Since Willow had gone shopping, and Ebony was down at practice along with that other nerdy girl whose name Wednesday still didn't know (was it Hermione or B'loody Mary? Wednesday bemoaned her weakness with names), she had the dormitory to herself. She took advantage of the rare silence to read a delightful book of dark magic with beautiful illustrations.

Wednesday was just admiring the picture of a man, his face twisted in anguish as his skin was turned inside out, when Draco entered the room. He had obviously been crying, as there were dark streaks down his face from where his tears had made his eyeliner run. He was brandishing a knife.

"Wednesday!" he cried upon seeing her. "Which bed is Ebony's?"

Wednesday wordlessly pointed at the coffin, bursting with red and black lace on the inside.

"I'm going to do it in her bed," Draco muttered to himself melodramatically, "Surrounded by her smell."

"What are you going to do?" Wednesday asked. If he was planning to begin masturbating there while she was in the room he had another thing coming.

"I'm going to commit suicide. And don't try to stop me!"

"I wouldn't dream of it," Wednesday replied, going back to her book. "Don't mind me."

She had just reached the section on creating inferi, when she looked up in time to see Draco botching his suicide in a most incompetent manner.

"You should slit your wrists vertically, not horizontally, if you want to increase your chances of success," Wednesday informed him.

He scowled at her for interrupting, but since he was the one who intruded on her solitude, he didn't really have a right to complain. He probably knew that too, since took her advice silently, not looking at her. The next time Wednesday looked up from her book, having finished the chapter on inferi, he was dead.

"This is very convenient," she told the corpse, whose blood was now staining Ebony's coffin-shaped bed. "I was just wondering where I could find a body to practice on." She indicated the book. The corpse made no reply, but Wednesday had observed before that that was the typical state of affairs for non-Addams corpses.

Since the kind of blood sacrifices required to make Draco into an inferi would create a big mess in their room, Wednesday decided it needed to be done in the Forbidden Forest. Besides, the Forbidden Forest had the right ambiance for that kind of dark activity, that their dormitory simply lacked. With a flick of her wand, Draco's body was hoisted into the air, and she led it out of the dormitory and into the common room, trailing blood behind it.

As she entered the common room with Draco's body floating in front of her, the air filled with gasps and shrieks. Wednesday barely refrained from rolling her eyes; it was like the cockroach incident all over again.

She had barely walked a few steps out of the Slytherin common room when the headmaster came running towards her, as if summoned by the cacophony she had left behind her.

"What happened?" he asked breathlessly, upon seeing Draco's lifeless body.

"Suicide. He did it in Ebony's bed. It was very romantic," Wednesday replied flatly.

"Where are you taking him?" Dumbledeor asked, narrowing his eyes at her.

"Hospital wing," she lied. "He can hardly stay where he was. Ebony wouldn't have anywhere to sleep."

"Ebony!" he gasped, "I must tell her!" and he ran off again. Wednesday narrowed her eyes at his retreating form. It seemed to her that Draco's parents were the first people who should have been notified. Maybe Voldemort had a point regarding the way the world seemed to revolve around Ebony, where males where concerned.

Eventually, she shrugged and continued walking the corpse to the Forbidden Forest. Upon arrival, and after consultation with her book, Wednesday found that the optimal environment by which to conduct the ritual was under moonlight, and therefore decided to wait until nighttime for the ritual. She cast a few hiding and keep-away charms, and headed back to the school. Perhaps she would see what Ebony was up to. Maybe they could go out to celebrate her first successfully completed relationship.


	11. Ebony's Reaction

Ebony did not look as triumphant as Wednesday had expected, given that she had succeeded in driving her mate to suicide. In fact, she looked as if she had been crying vigorously, her makeup smeared in thick black streaks extending from her eyes. Perhaps she missed him; Wednesday had heard of such a phenomenon occurring, though she had never experienced it herself.

"Ebony, what are you doing with that steak?" Wednesday asked curiously. It looked quite raw, and would therefore make a good snack for the hideous tentacled thing that had taken up residence under her bed. She had decided to name it 'Eurgh!' after the noise Willow had made upon first seeing it.

"I'm going to use it to kill myself," Ebony replied. "Only a steak can kill a vampire, and I can't live in a world without Draco. Don't try to stop me!"

"I wouldn't dream of it," Wednesday replied, shaking off a strong feeling of deja vu. She had enough vampires in her family to pick up on Ebony's misunderstanding, but said nothing and merely watched with amusement as Ebony brandished the steak dramatically, pointing it at herself.

With a great cry, Ebony pushed it up against her breast where, as expected, it stopped with a squishing sound, failing to pierce her skin.

"I don't understand," Ebony frowned, looking down at where the fat from the steak was staining her lace dress at the bodice. "A steak was supposed to work."

"Maybe you're immortal," Wednesday suggested innocently from her bed.

"OMG, like that Evanescence song? That is so fucking kawaii!" Ebony smiled for a moment, before her face fell again. "But how am I going to live forever without my Draco?" she wailed.

"Don't worry," Wednesday reassured her. "You'll get him soon enough. I was planning on working on him tonight, so he should be back by tomorrow." She had intended to make him a mindless slave, but she supposed that for Ebony's sake she could try to do something different. After all, Aunt Cholera and Uncle Putrid had never allowed his death to be an impediment to their relationship; perhaps Ebony would appreciate a similar arrangement.

Ebony left to go shower and wash off the fat and blood, and Wednesday picked up her discarded steak and threw it under the bed for Eurgh! before heading down to the Forbidden Forest to begin her ritual.


	12. Voldemort Takes Draco Bondage

The ritual to create inferi was simple enough. All it required was some acromantula venom and unicorn tears, which Wednesday obtained easily from the forest, and a scrap from the cloak of a dementor, which she had happened to already have in her room, left behind by a one-night-stand.

After chanting for a long minute in a harsh, guttural language that seemed to cause people's ears to bleed if they heard it for too long, Wednesday raised her hand and sliced it, allowing her blood to drip onto the dead body, thus binding it to her will for all eternity. The corpse of Draco opened its eyes, and crawled towards Wednesday on its knees in supplication, awaiting instructions.

Wednesday balanced her book in one hand, and pointed her wand at the cadaver with her other, frowning in concentration as she read the correct wand movement for issuing orders. "You are a goth," she told the corpse, pointing her wand at it. "You are in love with Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way, and constantly want to have sex with her. You only care for people who dress like you and listen to Good Charlotte and My Chemical Romance. Anyone who does not share these interests with you is a prep and is to be treated with contempt." The corpse nodded dully at her. Wednesday gave a satisfied little sigh. He was as good as new.

Oh- she had almost forgotten! "Can I give you the ability to have erections?" She glanced down when the corpse did. "Oh good, I can." There. Now Ebony would really not notice a difference.

"Talk to me," Wednesday commanded Draco's corpse.

"OMG," it groaned monotonously. "Ebony is so fucking sexy. I want to have sex with her because she's so hot and goffik."

"You'll do," Wednesday nodded with satisfaction.

She heard a rustle in the distance, and quickly gathered up all incriminating evidence of the ritual she had just conducted. She had just managed to duck out of sight when a middle-aged man with watery eyes and a silver hand appeared. Wednesday watched eagerly; this would be the first test of her inferi, and she could witness for herself whether the man found her creation a believable imitation of intelligent life.

It did not at all go her way, though. The man had barely laid eyes on Draco's corpse before he had whipped his wand out and bound and gagged the inferi. It wobbled over and fell to the ground. The little man giggled as he scurried over to Draco's corpse and picked it up by its hair. "The Dark Lord has some plans for you, Malfoy, and trust me, your Daddy won't be able to help you this time."

Draco's corpse emitted a groan that might have been 'Ebony' from behind the gag. Or maybe it was saying 'Daddy', it was very hard to tell.

Wednesday had just been about to kill the man, and go find a different, less bondage-prone person to test her creation out on, but the mention of the Dark Lord gave her pause. This might be the opportunity to get that autograph she had not asked for earlier. And honestly, she wouldn't say no to seeing the devastatingly handsome and noseless visage again.

When the balding man apparated away, Wednesday was hot on his heels.


	13. Voldemort's Lair

When the man with the silver hand appeared in the lair to which he had apparated, he uttered a little squeak of surprise upon seeing Wednesday appear alongside him. Voldemort's response was less undignified, but he could not quite hide his surprise either. He turned to Draco's kidnapper, looking angry. 

"Snaketail, thou art an incompetent fool,

To let this girl follow thee from the school."

The balding man frowned. "It's- it's Wormtail, actually."

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Crucio."

Snaketail rolled on the floor, screaming for a bit, while Wednesday looked on enviously, before Voldemort decided that he had had enough and lifted the curse. He then turned to Wednesday.

"As for thee, dark girl, art though friend or foe,

To bring thyself where others dare not go?"

"Oh, I'm a big fan," Wednesday assured him. "I was hoping for an autograph, in fact."

"'T'would be my pleasure to grant what you ask,

But let me first complete my other task."

He turned to Snaketail.

"Thou must guard Draco, with him thou shall wait,

Summon me when Ebony takes the bait.

In the meantime, do with him as thou will,

Use thine own wand to maim, torture, or kill."

Snaketail nodded, licked his lips nervously, glancing from Wednesday to the Dark Lord and back, and then squared his shoulders resolutely. He pointed his wand at Draco's corpse and shouted "Crucio!".

Draco's corpse didn't so much as twitch. It glanced dully at Snaketail and muttered: "Where's Ebony?"

Voldemort sighed, and shook his head. "So incompetent," he lamented.

"And now, for thy request, girl with no name,

I will provide thee that for which thou came."

"It's Wednesday Addams," Wednesday informed him, pulling out a knife. "Maybe you could make it personalized, somehow?" She held out her arm.

Voldemort took the knife, and carefully carved into her arm. Once done, he gave her the arm back for inspection.

_To Wednesday,_

_May thou bathe in the blood of thine enemies._

_Lord Voldemort_

There was a credible rendition of a dark mark underneath.

"I love it," Wednesday breathed. "Thank you."

"'Twas my pleasure," he replied, looking into her eyes. "To provide thee thy desire,

Tell me if there is aught else you require."

A number of salacious requests she might make ran through her mind, but before she could voice any of them, the moment was broken by Snaketail. He had finally tired of the non-responsiveness of Draco's corpse to his Crucios, and in a fit of desperation had given up and shouted: "Avada Kedavra!" so loudly it startled them both, pointing his wand at the body.

Draco's corpse gave a little blink and then groaned: "Where's Ebony? Wanna have sex with Ebony."

Snaketail turned red, and glanced nervously at Voldemort, who was giving him a pained look. Snaketail's self-confidence was obviously taking a serious hit, given his inability to cast the most basic unforgivable, which was very funny.

Wednesday had absolutely no plans of telling him his failure wasn't his fault as he was attempting to torture an already dead body; she was having too much fun. Instead, she said: "I think you might have the incantation wrong. Isn't it 'Allah Kedavra'?"

"Is- is it?" Snaketail asked hesitantly. He gulped and glanced at his master for confirmation, but Voldemort only raised a sardonic eyebrow at him.

He turned to Draco's corpse and attempted that incantation with as much success as before.

Wednesday turned to Voldemort. "Wanna go see how many times you can make me come before he manages to cast a successful unforgivable?"

He gave her a lecherous glance.

"As he's a fool, it will be quite a few,

Come hither, I have many plans for you."

He pulled her by the arm to the bedroom, leaving an increasingly desperate Snaketail shouting incantations at Draco's dead body behind them.


	14. Ebony Rescues Draco

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Canon says that Voldemort started coming, and I was hardly going to let that innuendo just slip by...

They were right in the middle of things when they were distracted by a bloodcurdling shriek from Snaketail. "Noooooooooooo!" he screamed.

Voldemort's thrusts stuttered for a moment. "Snaketail, what art thou doing?" he called out. Wednesday did not wait to hear his answer, though; she knew the desperate cries of a dying man when she heard them. Such a sweet sound of agony was enough to send her over the edge. Her toes curled and her back arched as she came with a loud cry.

This was obviously enough to set Voldemort off. He started coming, thrusting with such force that the bed frame banged against the wall in a sound that was strangely reminiscent of the clacking of high heels.

"That was three," Wednesday panted, the cat o' nine falling limply from her hand. Voldemort gave a satisfied little huff, but seemed to lack the energy for anything more. Eventually, though, he reluctantly got up from the bed.

"I must go see what caused Snaketail to shout,

And give him something real to cry about.

If he can't bloody guard a tied-up boy,

All he's suited for is Nagini's toy."

Wednesday got up after him and followed as he exited the room, only to stop dead at the sight of Snaketail, lying in a pool of his own blood, a stab wound in his heart still pulsing out blood feebly. Draco's corpse was gone.

"Ebony," Wormtail whispered weakly upon espying his master. "She rescued Draco, stabbed me." He coughed, a horrible hacking sound, and his lips were stained red. "At least," his eyes took on a dreamy sheen. "At least I got to see her before I died. I only wished I could have had sex with her."

And with those words, his eyes shut forever.

Voldemort gave Wednesday a meaningful look.

"Yes, I see what you were saying now, about the power to make men fall in love with her. There's definitely something unnatural there," Wednesday conceded. "My closest guess would be veela, but their influence usually fades once the victim can no longer see them. I'll look into it."

"Once you find out, thou art most welcome back,

Return with the information I lack.

Come and tell me, and I shall owe thee a debt,

For sooth, I am far from done with thee yet."

He gave her a lecherous smirk.

" _I'm_ far from done with _you_ yet," Wednesday retorted. "Next time, I want to use the unforgivables. I'll let you have the cat o' nine."

"I gladly await such mutual bliss,

For the moment, though, I must deal with this."

He poked Snaketail's body with his foot before calling out: "Nagini! Dinner!"

Much to Wednesday's delight, the snake that emerged was certainly large enough to swallow the body in a single bite. Wednesday had never before seen a snake that big.

"Oh," she breathed. "She's beautiful."

Voldemort looked on proudly as Nagini opened her monstrous maw and began to consume Snaketail, feet first.

"She's a beautiful girl, aren't you, Nagini?" Wednesday cooed. "Yes you are!"

Eventually, Wednesday managed to pry herself away from Nagini and her corpse-like master, apparated back to the Forbidden Forest, and from there proceeded to Hogwarts.

In Hogwarts, things seemed to be back to normal. Ebony was alternatively making out with Draco and shouting at him, and didn't even seem to question the fact he was up and about after committing suicide. Wednesday had been about to approach Ebony and tell her how proud she was of her for committing such a beautifully brutal murder, but Ebony had just began whining to Draco about being born too beautiful, and Wednesday's pride deflated in an instant.

Still, Wednesday personally felt more at ease to be sharing a room with Ebony now that she was a confirmed murderess, and felt that it had been quite a successful day.

She had the bloody scar on her arm to prove it.


	15. Ebony and Draco Make Up

Wednesday did not know how Ebony had managed to have a fight with a corpse who was under compulsion to only want sex with her, but she had done it somehow.

Wednesday only knew that Ebony and Draco's corpse were on the outs because Ebony had volunteered the (unsolicited) information when Wednesday walked in on her cutting her wrists and drinking the blood. Why she thought Wednesday would want to know was beyond Wednesday, but Ebony did seem to assume that the life of everyone in the school revolved around herself, so it wasn't completely surprising.

The fact that the assumption didn't appear to be completely wrong also bore contemplation. Wednesday had never seen any woman, no matter how beautiful, have that kind of effect on men. It had even influenced Hagrid, for Beelzebub's sake. He had taken to following Ebony around and sitting in on all the classes with her as though he had not been expelled mid-schooling over half a century ago.

Perhaps she should consult Grandmama. It was clear that Wednesday was dealing with something outside her realm of experience here, and there was no one better at knowing secrets that were best kept buried than the decrepit old hag that was her grandmother. Besides, Wednesday disliked not knowing what she was up against. She could no longer be certain that she was the most dangerous creature in the school, without knowing what Ebony was. Then, she remembered Ebony whining about being too beautiful and laughed that last thought off.

Before Wednesday could go about contacting her grandmother, she was approached by Draco's corpse, who was looking quite forlorn. "Enoby?" it muttered staring into random corners as if it hoped she would suddenly appear. "Where's Enoby?"

Wednesday sighed, and tried to think back on where she went wrong in her spell casting to cause her inferi to make such errors. "It's Ebony," she told it, enunciating clearly. "E-bo-ny."

"Enoby," the corpse groaned pathetically.

Wednesday sighed. "Fine, I'll help you find her. Come here."

The corpse approached, shuffling dully until it stood in front of her. Wednesday noted with approval that the smell of rotting flesh became it far more than the cologne Draco used to wear.

She waved her wand at it, banishing it instantly to wherever it was that Enoby- No, dammit, Ebony!- was. While it was impossible for people to apparate inside of Hogwarts, Draco was now a corpse and therefore an inanimate object, which made shipping him around far easier.

If no one else could understand how he suddenly appeared out of nowhere in front of Ebony, that was no skin off her nose.


	16. Hogsmeade Concert 2 (Hogsmeade Concert and the Dressing Room of Tom Riddle)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I try to resolve the fact that the exact same paragraph appears for two chapters in a row

Wednesday was just strolling past Ebony's bed, still blood-stained from Draco's suicide, when she happened to spy a little black book with a skull-and-crossbones pattern all over it. A secret diary presumably. 

Wednesday was quite the expert and creeping and sneaking, and therefore felt the artistic calling to snoop. Grabbing the diary from the coffin, she sat on her bed and flipped through it to the most recent entry. 

_We ran happily to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had Played. We ran in happily. MCR were there playing 'Helena'._

Wednesday paused in her reading, frowning. The concert she had gone to with Ebony had been a Good Charlotte concert, not an MCR one. The MCR concert would only be happening that evening. She continued reading curiously.

_I was so fucking happy! Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn't matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother._

Ebony walked in at that point.

"Ebony, what is this?" Wednesday asked her, brandishing the black book.

"That's my diary," Ebony replied. "I write in it everything that happens to me. One day I'll sell it and make a lot of money, because everyone wants to know everything about me."

"But this entry here is about the MCR concert," Wednesday protested. "That hasn't happened yet."

"I know," Ebony squealed. "I'm going with Draco tonight!"

"But how is it in the diary? " Wednesday asked. "Are you guessing what's going to happen? Have you had a vision of some kind? I don't understand what this is."

"Vampire's the one with the visions," Ebony replied scornfully. "Are you a retard?"

Wednesday realized she would get no straight answer from her, so she continued reading curiously. The writing was off on a tangent about what Ebony was wearing, and Wednesday was rapidly losing interest, when the narrative suddenly revealed that those playing on stage were Death Eaters in disguise. Oh, not Death Eaters, death dealers. Wednesday wondered what kind of profession that was, and resolved to speak to Professor Snape about it in her next career advice session. 

The question was- was this a true prediction of the future, or just a story Ebony was inventing? Wednesday paged a bit back to a previous entry, to see if it described anything that she knew had actually occurred.

_"NO!" I THOUGHT IT WAS HAIRgrid but it was Vampire. He started to scream. "OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURTS!" and then... his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites._

Wednesday closed the book.

"You know, Ebony, I more than anyone understand the joy inherent in destruction and mutilation. Mutilation of the English language, though, seems so unsatisfying in comparison to mutilation of a living being. There are no cries of anguish to savor, no blood or gore. Your hobbies are mystifying to me."

* * *

Wednesday was sitting in the dormitory with Ebony and Bloody Mary, watching a very pleasant film about an idealistic group of activists who sought to redeem Christmas by replacing the traditional Christmas gifts with improvements such as shrunken heads and live snakes. There wasn't enough blood in it for Wednesday's tastes, but she enjoyed the film nevertheless.

Wednesday hated when people spoke during movies, and therefore was prepared to do Bloody Mary violence when she began to talk just before the climax of the film, but she changed her mind when she realized that the topic being discussed was murder. 

"You killed Willow?" Wednesday asked, impressed by the strength of the friendship implied by such a gesture. 

Bloody Mary nodded, smirking.

"Kawaii," said Ebony.

"Did you keep the body by any chance?" asked Wednesday. "I'm doing some research on inferi at the moment, I could use another corpse." There were still a few bugs in inferi-Draco that Wednesday wished to get to the bottom of (his mistake of calling Ebony 'Enoby' and his tendency to get erections at random moments being the chief of it), and she needed more bodies for experimentation. She had been having trouble convincing any of the students to play with her, and thus had found herself to be lower on corpses than she had hoped. 

"I didn't do anything with the body," Bloody Mary replied. "Lupin had sex with it; he's a necrophiliac."

"I suppose now that she's dead he's no longer her teacher or in a position of authority over her," Wednesday considered. "So I guess there isn't an imbalance of power problem. Still, it might be against school policy even so. I doubt I'll have trouble convincing him to hand it over."

* * *

Lupin reacted negatively to Wednesday's innocent inquiry if he was done having sex with Willow's corpse and would be willing to donate it to science. He had been defensive, threatening, and all in all very rude. Wednesday knew, of course, that some people were more private about their sexual inclinations and did not like to have their kinks discussed, but Wednesday thought that if he really minded that much he shouldn't have told Bloody Mary; everyone knew she had a big mouth. Why, Wednesday had heard a story once regarding Bloody Mary's propensity to blab that had resulted in a cursed broom being taken to be uncursed and made harmless; a travesty if she had ever heard one. 

It took a combination of threats and physical violence to get the corpse, but Wednesday minded neither. In fact, she rather considered it a bonus. In short order, Wednesday once again found herself in the forbidden forest, implementing the inferi-creating ritual. She had put some consideration into where she had gone wrong with Draco, and finally concluded that her instructions to him had been too complex. After all, he had not been known for his intellect even before, and dying could not have improved his mental powers any.

The instructions she had decided to give Willow were therefore very straightforward: "Act like you would have had you still been alive."

The corpse stood up and looked around. 

"Squeal," Willow's corpse said in monotone. "Let's go shopping, and buy a cute outfit for the concert." 

"I have no need to go shopping," Wednesday replied. "My black dress is perfectly serviceable. Comfortable, sturdy, and dark enough to hide bloodstains."

"Are you a fucking prep or what?" Willow's corpse asked.

Wednesday was getting rather tired of that question, but hearing it repeatedly was a hazard of spending time with Ebony and Willow, and Wednesday did not wish to cut her experiment short quite yet. Besides, Wednesday needed to attend the concert that night to see if Ebony's prediction would come true. Therefore, she reluctantly agreed to accompany Willow during her shopping expedition in Hogsmeade. 

As they approached the store, Wednesday was unsurprised to see that Ebony was already there, along with Bloody Mary and Hagrid. Being a part of Ebony's fanclub, they always seemed to appear where she was as if compelled to follow her. It was the salesperson that caught Wednesday's attention, though. She was sure she had never seen him in her life, but something about him seemed familiar. Very familiar.

When he turned to Ebony to tell her she looked hot, Wednesday deflated in disappointment. For some reason, she had been expecting him to speak in rhyme. 


	17. Hogsmeade Concert 3 (Hogsmeade Concert and the Death Dealers of Azkaban)

They were barely an hour into the concert, and Wednesday was becoming increasingly suspicious. None of the songs being sung by the band even vaguely resembled any of the MCR songs Wednesday had ever heard Ebony or Draco sing to each other. In fact, they all sounded rather like half-hearted riffing. Granted, the lead singer was rather good at rhyming on the spot, but there was something anachronistic about his lyrics that Wednesday could not quite put her finger on.She glanced at Ebony and Draco to see what they thought of the band's strange performance, but they were busy making out and were oblivious to everything outside their little bubble. 

  
Then, an hour on the dot after they had gone out on stage, the faces of the players began to stretch and bubble in a clear indication of Polyjuice Potion wearing off. A few moments later, Voldemort was standing on stage surrounded by a few gaunt looking faces Wednesday recognized as the escaped prisoners she had read about in the Daily Prophet. Why anyone would want to leave Azkaban was beyond her, but Wednesday had long ago learned that one could not always expect everyone one meets to be sensible. 

  
They were Death Eaters, then, instead of death dealers, but other than that Ebony's prediction was accurate. In fact, even that one mistake could be attributed to Ebony's careless style of writing rather than to a mistake in the prediction. Wednesday looked to Ebony to see how she would react to the scene written in her diary coming to fruition, but Ebony looked as surprised as anyone around her. 

  
Voldemort, oblivious to the revelation that Ebony may be a seer, caught Wednesday's eye, winked, and then turned to Ebony, holding the microphone in his hand.

"Ebony, dear, have I your attention?  
Thou sees how I have crashed thy convention.  
This little lesson I just had to teach,  
There is nowhere thou are out of mine reach.  
A task thou were given which must be done,  
If not, thy boyfriend had best start to run."  
  
At that moment, a figure on a broomstick came zooming towards the group on stage, brandishing a wand. It took Wednesday a moment to recognize him, given the radical makeover he had undergone since she had seen him last. Dumbledore had dyed his hair and his magnificent long beard a pitch black. His robes, far from the usually garish and colourful affair she had become accustomed to, were also black, broken up only by the 'Avril Levigne' lettering on the back.

  
Up on stage, Voldemort was gaping at his long-time enemy in ill disguised shock and glee. 

"Hast thou also fallen under her spell?  
Thy resistance in minutes I shall quell!  
Thou fool! Unwilling to use thine power,  
More of thy people fall within the hour.  
Whilst I, safe from her power over men,  
Using dark forces far beyond thy ken,  
Will now, unresisted, rise once again."  
  
Then, amazingly, he flew off, Death Eaters trailing behind him, without so much as trying to fire a single spell at Dumbledore. 

  
Wednesday shook her head and laughed at the irony of Voldemort's recent brag that he was unaffected by Ebony's power, all while staging an elaborate plan to infiltrate a music concert for the sole purpose of taunting Ebony. Ebony, on the other hand, didn't seem to find as much amusement in the situation as Wednesday.

In fact, she was quite distraught over being targeted by Voldemort. Thankfully, though, since she now had a boyfriend, she was Draco's problem now, and Wednesday didn't have to listen to her whine. 

  
Instead, she headed back to Hogwarts to do something she should have done from the very beginning- consult Grandmama. 


	18. The Goffik Influence Spreads

Wednesday stared into the scrying pool where she had conjured up her grandmother, uneasier than ever. She had never seen Grandmama scared before; it was a most unnerving experience. Her grandmother's usually corpse-like complexion had become completely bloodless when Wednesday had described the odd affect Ebony seemed to have on the men around her.

"Tell me," Grandmama said urgently. "Does she have multiple names?"

"She does, in fact," Wednesday replied, counting out the four of them on her fingers. "How did you know?"

Grandmama ignored her question. 

"Has she any special powers?"

"I think she might be able to tell the future," Wednesday replied, and described the predictions in Ebony's notebook. Grandmama hmmed and tutted as Wednesday elaborated on the story. "Bad grammar and spelling..." she muttered distractedly. "That is worrying... Tell me, is she a member of a race other than human? Some kind of hybrid, perhaps?"

"She claims to be a vampire," Wednesday replied, "but I've seen her eat Count Chocula."

"Inconsistency... Not good, not good at all... Does she have a rare magical creature such as a phoenix or a dragon as either a patronus or an animagus form?"

"I've never seen her perform either of those magics," Wednesday replied, frowning thoughtfully. "But with the amount of effort I've seen her put into her schoolwork I find it very doubtful that she would be capable of either. Both are difficult to master and require quite a bit of hard work and dedication."

"Hard work has nothing to do with it," her grandmother scoffed. "If she is what I think she is, she ought to be able to accomplish such magic on her first try."

"You know what she is, then?" Wednesday asked. "I thought perhaps some sort of succubus, only I've never met one who works in quite the same way."

"Not a succubus," Grandmama frowned. "Something worse; much worse. Tell me, toadstool, have you begun exhibiting any of the following symptoms: Dressing as Ebony does, developing a taste for music that is identical to Ebony's, or caring about your life only as it relates to Ebony?"

"No," Wednesday replied, nonplussed.

"Have you begun to view the people in your life only as they relate to one category: Friends or enemies of Ebony?"

"Certainly not," Wednesday scoffed.

Grandmama cackled. "I should have known my granddaughter would be too powerful for such a creature! It's all the ox blood I had you drink as a child, I told you it would help you grow up strong."

"What is she, though, grandmama? You still haven't given me a name."

Grandmama shook her head. "I will not say the name. Breaking the fourth wall can be a very dangerous thing."

"But I like danger!" Wednesday protested. "And breaking things."

"Hush, child," Grandmama said firmly. "Would you like to find yourself one of her mindless slaves, stupidly agreeing with everything she says? Or, worse yet, one of her mindless enemies, wearing bubblegum pink and listening to pop music, existing only to serve a contrast to her edginess? Now is not the time to rush head on into danger like a fool. Now is the time to bide your time below water, like a crocodile, watching alert for the right moment to strike. Be wary, and contact me immediately if you begin exhibiting any of the symptoms I described or if Ebony's influence spreads further."

Wednesday saw that there was no use arguing with her grandmother and agreed to do as she asked, though she could not help but feel that the matriarch was overreacting. Ebony was too ridiculous to be frightening.

Still, she was slightly unnerved to have seen her unshakable grandmother look so worried. Nothing seemed to concern Grandmama, despite witnessing daily near death experiences by all her beloved grandchildren (most instigated by Wednesday herself). Therefore, Wednesday passed a slightly uneasy night, and slept less like the dead than was her wont.

Bleary-eyed as she was, entering the Great Hall the next morning, it took a few moments for her to notice the changes that had taken place in it. When she did, she stopped short. The walls were painted black, as were the tables. Posters lined the walls. None of them contained moving pictures, as was the norm. Instead, they all showcased pale, frozen, figures wearing too much eyeliner and staring motionlessly out into the hall.

Wednesday's gaze narrowed in on Ebony, who was already sitting at a table, speaking animatedly with Bloody Mary. Her influence was spreading. 


	19. A Barrage of Visitors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since they didn't get new gothic names in My Immortal, I had a lot of fun coming up with goth-ified names for Crabbe and Goyle 😉

Ebony's popularity had gotten out of hand. Teachers, students, and staff, everyone seemed to want Ebony's attention. 

Wednesday had been sitting in her bed, reading an old favorite, 'Torture; Techniques and Tips', when their room was barged in on by Ginny Weasley, so made up she was hardly recognizable, and crying hysterically. She told Ebony a story regarding her father, who had been both a vampire and in the habit of raping her, and had just committed suicide. By the end of the story, Wednesday still couldn't for the life of her discern if she was upset over the sexual abuse she had underwent or the fact of her father's suicide. Either way, this latest development had apparently resulted in a decision to convert to Satanism, transfer to Slytherin, and change her name to 'Darkness'. 

  
Ebony had seemed very impressed by this story, and Wednesday herself had not been left unaffected. That is, until five minutes later when Vincent Crabbe had barged into their dorm room with a story identical to Ginny's (or rather, Darkness's). As far as Wednesday could tell, the only difference between the stories was that rather than Darkness, Crabbe had decided to change his name to 'Rabies'. 

  
She eyed Ebony to see if she found this as suspicious as Wednesday herself did, but Ebony was listening just as intently as she had done to Ginny, and at the end of the recital had granted Rabies the benediction he sought by proclaiming him to be 'fucking goffick'. 

  
Gregory Goyle was the next in line. Wednesday barely listened to his story, identical to the first two, as she considered the implications: Had the residents of the school cracked the code and come upon the perfect recipe for a backstory that would please Ebony? Was this all simply a bid for popularity? Or were Ebony's supernatural powers at work here, shaping the world around her to supply the melodrama she so loved?

  
It was impossible to know. Either way, Gregory Goyle concluded his story by proclaiming his new name to be '666' and left as a bona fide member of Ebony's little circle of gothic friends. 

  
Wednesday watched the door warily for a few minutes after 666 left, but when it seemed as though no new visitor was incoming, she relaxed and returned to her book. Just then, the door opened again.

  
"Oh no, you don't!" Wednesday cried, leaping out of bed and blocking Draco bodily from entering. She had had enough of her room being barged in on.  
"What's going on?" Ebony enquired.

  
Keeping in mind Grandmama's advice to bide her time quietly for the right moment to strike, Wednesday improvised quickly, deciding on an answer that would keep the peace between herself and Ebony: "From now on, you need to pass a gothicness test in order to enter this dorm room!" She declared.

  
"Yeah!" Ebony seconded her. "No fucking preps allowed!"

  
"Right," said Wednesday, turning to Draco. "Your question: What is more gothic- black fishnets or crying tears of blood?"

  
Draco's corpse eyed her dully. "Fuck you, prep," it moaned in reply.

  
"Wrong answer," Wednesday replied cheerfully, and she literally booted him out the door with a hard kick. 

  
There was peace for a few more minutes, until Hagrid appeared at the door. 

  
"Halt!" Wednesday called from her bed, not even bothering to get up. "All who enter must first pass my gothicness test! Answer me this question: Who is the hottest member of MCR?"

"Erm..." Hagrid scratched his giant head thoughtfully. "Ebony?"

Wednesday smirked. "You get some points for flattery, but you still fail. Ebony's band is called something else."

  
"Bloody Gothic Rose 666," Ebony supplied, sounding slightly annoyed.

  
"Yes, there you have it. Thank you Ebony," Wednesday shrugged. "Now, begone!" and she shot a curse at Hagrid which he clumsily dodged before hurrying away. 

  
He had barely left when Dumbledore appeared. "Ebony-"

"Stop!" Wednesday declared. "In order to enter you must pass our test of gothicness!"

  
"I assure you, Miss Addams, as the Headmaster I take the education of my students with the utmost seriousness. I have already begun revising the school curriculum to center entirely around the gothic culture and can easily answer any question you pose to me."

  
"Wonderful," said Wednesday, "So this aughtn't give you any trouble: What is the most gothic band?"

  
"Easy," replied Dumbledore calmly. "Avril Lavigne."

  
"Tragically wrong," replied Wednesday, faking disappointment. "I'm sorry, you may not enter the room."

  
Dumbledore's face fell. "Please! I only want to ask Ebony what she's wearing to the concert tonight!"

  
"Why the fuck would you care?!" shouted Ebony angrily. "It's an MCR concert, not Avril Lavigne you fucking prep!"

  
"Another MCR concert?" Wednesday asked incredulously. "Wasn't there one just yesterday? Am I just living the same day over and over?" 

  
Ebony, however, was too busy shouting invective at Dumbledore to reply. 

  
Wednesday sighed mournfully. Sometimes it felt like Voldemort was the only person in the whole United Kingdom who made any sense.


	20. Hogsmeade Concert 4 (Hogsmeade Concert and the Condom of Fire)

The endless stream of visitors for Ebony continued unabated. The next person to show up was Professor Lupin. 

Wednesday momentarily considered giving him a gothicness quiz, but ultimately decided she was bored of the game and that it would be best to let Ebony deal with him. 

"Good evening, Ebony," said Lupin genially. "I was wondering if I might borrow a condom. I appear to be short at the moment, and knowing the tendencies of my prospective partner, I would be too worried to go without."

"You can have a condom if you pass her goffickness quiz," replied Ebony, pointing her thumb at Wednesday. 

"Oh, alright," Wednesday yawned. "What is the most gothic band?"

Lupin considered for a moment. "Good Charlotte?"

"Wrong!" declared Wednesday. "It's MCR. No condom for you."

"Fuckers," replied Lupin, and he stomped out of the room muttering angrily. 

Five minutes later, Professor Snape appeared.

"Are you here for condoms, too?" Wednesday asked. 

"Don't deny you have them, you horny simpleton!" he snarled at her.

"I don't deny it for a moment. However, I'll only give you one if you can answer this question correctly: What is the most gothic band?"

"My Chemical Romance," Snape replied, rolling his eyes.

"Wrong!" replied Wednesday, "It's Good Charlotte."

"You despicable deceiver! You told Lupin-"

"What's that?" Wednesday raised an eyebrow. "Are you telling me that you tried to cheat on my quiz?"

Snape growled, and stomped off in high dudgeon. 

It appeared that the duo weren't ready to give up on their quest for a condom quite yet, because soon after they sent someone else to do their dirty work for them. Five minutes after Snape had left, a timid knock sounded on the door and a rather garishly dressed house elf wearing many multi-coloured socks and a tea cozy as a hat stepped in.

"Excuse me, Miss Ebony Darkness Dementia Raven Way, Ma'am. Doby has come to ask for a condom."

Ebony gave him a dubious look. "You're dressed like a fucking prep. You probably won't be able to pass the goffickness test."

"Doby would like to try, please, Ma'am. Doby does not want to fail in his mission."

Wednesday shrugged. "Alright. Answer me the following question: What is the most gothic band?"

Doby stared at her wide eyed for a second, and his eyes filled with tears. Then, without warning, he ran at the wall and banged his head directly against it with an ear-splitting bang.

"Whoa!" said Wednesday, sitting up.

"Dobby does not know!" Doby wailed, banging his head against the wall again. "Doby has failed his mission!" Bang! "Doby is a bad elf!" Bang! Bang! Bang!

"Fucking badass!" exclaimed Ebony, watching the elf stumble away from the wall, dizzy and cross-eyed. 

"Doby, you're my hero," said Wednesday earnestly. "I've never seen someone other than an Addams subject themselves so unflinchingly to pain."

"Oh, that is nothing, Miss," said Doby faintly. "When Doby belonged to Master Malfoy Sir he would iron his fingers almost every day."

"That is so fucking kawaii," Ebony said admiringly.

"Come here, Doby," Wednesday said, jumping off her bed and pulling her suitcase out from underneath. "You can have as many condoms as you want."

Doby shuffled over to peer into the suitcase along with Wednesday, and she pointed out the different options to him: "Here's where I keep the condoms for enemies: These condoms are cursed to give the wearer a venereal disease, and these," she pointed at another innocuous looking package, "have a particularly nasty curse. The intercoursing couple will be stuck together upon penetration. It's practically unbreakable. These-" she pointed at another package, "Are just normal muggle condoms I sprinkled with itching powder. Now here I have the more standard variety- condoms charmed for either enhanced pleasure or enhanced pain, depending on your preference, and my personal favorite-" she pointed to the corner of her trunk, "Are charmed to protect one not only from pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, but from catching feelings as well."

"So many condoms, Miss," Dobby's already wide eyes became even wider at the vision of such variety. "Dobby does not know what to choose."

"If it's for Lupin and Snape, I'd suggest the itching powder ones," Wednesday supplied helpfully. "I'm not wasting my specialty cursed ones on _them._ If it's for you, though, you can take a few of my favorites."

"Oh, thank you miss!" exclaimed Dobby, picking up the muggle ones with extreme caution. And, without warning, he hugged her around the waist before disappearing with a loud pop.

"That's where generosity gets you," Wednesday noted dryly. "I gave him what he wanted, and what thanks did I get for my help? A hug!" she shuddered. 

"Whatever. Are you going to the concert?" Ebony asked. 

Wednesday shrugged. "I might as well. Given the propensity people here seem to have for exhibitionism, if I stay in the school tonight I'm all too likely to see Snape and Lupin putting those condoms to use, and some things are too disgusting even for me to witness."

Therefore, a few hours later found Wednesday joining Ebony and Vampire in yet another flying car on the way to Hogsmeade. 

The concert had hardly started when Ebony and Vampire began making out enthusiastically on the floor, and Wednesday watched them with interest. Another clue had been revealed- whatever creature Ebony was, it obviously did not mate for life.


	21. Draco Drama

"Wednesday, have you seen Draco?" Ebony asked Wednesday urgently upon running into her halfway through the concert.

"No," said Wednesday, wondering what fresh drama she would be force-fed this time. 

"He saw me and Vampire making out, and then he ran away suicidally! We need to find him!"

"He ran away... suicidally?"

"If we don't find him in time, he might kill himself!" Mascara had begun to run down Ebony's face as she cried. "If my Draco dies, I'll kill myself too!"

"I don't see what the big deal is," Wednesday yawned. "Didn't he kill himself once before? And he seems perfectly fine now."

Ebony froze. "What?"

"Haven't you ever wondered about that?" Wednesday continued. "You were mourning his death one minute and making out with him the next, and you never seemed to stop and question how that was possible."

Ebony gaped at her with empty eyes, and a cold wind seemed to whip itself around her. There was a loud rumbling sound. 

The world began to shake. Not the kind tremble that knocked down pictures when Pugsley set off a huge explosion, and not the more protracted shaking of an earthquake; it was as if the fabric of reality itself was trembling.

Ebony's mouth was open, but the voice coming out of it wasn't hers. It was younger, higher-pitched, and louder than it had any right to be.

"STOP FALMING PREPS!" it shrieked. "FUCK YOU POSERS!"

The ground they were standing on shook even harder as the wind moaned around them.

"Whoa," said Wednesday, torn between awe and confusion. "Relax, Ebony. I was just having fun with you. I'm the one who brought Draco back to life after he committed suicide; I know a ritual."

As suddenly as the shaking had begun, it stopped. Reality seemed to reassert itself. The band continued to play, the crowd continued to cheer and dance, and no one seemed to acknowledge what had just happened.

"What _was_ that?" Wednesday asked Ebony admiringly. "Can you teach me how to do it?"

"What was what?"

"Just now!" Wednesday replied. "The shaking, and the shrieking."

"I don't have time for you fucking bullshit, Wednesday," Ebony replied. "I need to find Draco before he kills himself!" 

She hurried off to join a distraught looking Vampire, leaving a bewildered Wednesday with far more questions than answers.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this is definitely the weirdest idea for a fanfic I've ever had XD. I'm not sure how many readers I'll get since it's pretty much aimed at a niche audience, but if you've read it and would like to see more, let me know!


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